Friday, November 13, 2015

Witness Me Attempt To Write Up 53 Things Miles Teller Would Rather Be Doing Than Appearing In The New Trailer For Divergent Sequel Allegiant

Guess what's getting a sequel in March? Insurgent, one of my most least favorite movies of 2015. The new trailer for its follow-up, Allegiant, doesn't look painfully bad, but then again, neither did the trailers for Insurgent and oh God, I know how that one turned out. Everyone looks so uninterested in being in these things, from lead actor Shailene Woodley to direct Robert Schwentke (I had such high hopes for him after his super fun debut film Red, but R.I.P.D. and Insurgent have erased all my hopes).

But no one looks more bored than Miles Teller, an actor who just can't seem to catch a break with his forays into franchise filmmaking. This guy turned in excellent performances in modern classics like The Spectacular Now and Whiplash, but good luck finding him giving any semblance of a damn in Insurgent and this Allegiant trailer, which you can watch below.
Y'know what? Why don't we just do something silly (it is Friday after all) and instead of discussing the middling nature of this trailer (though I do wanna note how the ships look like the spacecraft from Oblivion and Prometheus had a baby), let's just talk about the 53 things Miles Teller wishes he was doing instead of appearing in these Divergent films.

First off...he'd likely rather be berated by J.K. Simmons for all of eternity.
Those weeds in his backyard aren't gonna pluck themselves.
Fantastic Four 2 is sounding really good right now.
A fist-fight with Josh Trank is starting to sound really good right now.
Be forced to burn every single copy on Earth of WALL-E.
21 & Over 2 is also sounding appealing.
Is The Ridiculous Six sure they want Taylor Lautner to play the goofy member of the titular group?
Be punched by Jason Statham 89,000 times in a row
The occupation of an Uber driver for the head of a mafia sounds downright dandy
Watch Insurgent and Divergent back-to-back...wait....
Wear Daisy Dukes and then be filmed by Michael Bay
Say the phrase "I think Jack & Jill is 20,000 times better than Synecdoche, New York"
Smuggle a basket of pugs into and out of North Korea
Watch all of Shia LaBeoufs movies
Wrangle flesh-hungry Ewoks
Spend time down in Margitaville, searching for a lost shaker of salt
Tell a group of Star Trek fans that Star Trek Into Darkness is the best Star Trek movie
Anger Jabba The Hutt
2 Awkward 2 Moment, guys, c'mon. Let's do it instead of another Divergent sequel.
Read the Divergent books.
Get stabbed by Ben Carson
Watch reruns of every episode of My Mother, The Car....BACKWARDS
Sleep on a pile of porcupines
Join Jim Carrey on one of his anti-vaccine marches
Attempt to use facts on the comment sections of a Breitbart article
Listen to That's My Kind Of Night by Luke Bryan on repeat for 92 times.
Be stuck in Mr. Plinkett's basement
Be told he can never eat Skittles ever again
Star in a gritty reboot of Eight Legged Freaks
Star in a gritty reboot of Clockstoppers, which will kickstart the Clockstoppers Cinematic Universe
Star in an even grittier reboot of Fantastic Fear where The Thing brutally murders Mr. Fantastic
Argue with someone who has an Anime avatar on Twitter
Dare to besmirch the good name of P!nk's Raise Your Glass (I legitimately looooove that song)
Anger Bruce Banner
Anger Chevy Chase
Dub Alvin And The Chipmunks: The Squeakquel the greatest American motion picture ever made
Abstain from partaking in cheese and crackers during the holidays
Tell small children that he killed Santa Clause
Label Pixels "A feminist masterpiece"
Say that terrorist group GamerGate is really about "ethics in gaming journalism"
Steal all of Winnie the Pooh's honey
Call Iron Man 2 the best Marvel movie
Call Green Lantern the best DC Comics movie
Call The Lost World: Jurassic Park the best Steven Spielberg movie
Date Taylor Swift, break up with her and inspire an entire album called "Miles Down The Road"
Rant about Benghazi
Get on the bad side of maniacal cult from a comic book come to terrifying life Scientology
Be that one dude who doesn't pitch in on the bill when you all go out to eat and bowl at Main Event
Incur the wrath of Kim Jong-Un
Can only watch Thomas & The Magic Railroad, and no other movie, for all of eternity
Be me trying to find three more items to finish off this list
Smell like rotten Go-Gurt for two weeks
Be that one guy in the G-rated feature Mr. Bean's Holiday who jumped off a bridge

And is done.

No comments:

Post a Comment