Thursday, November 12, 2015

Five Modern Day Movies I'd Love To See Mystery Science Theater 3000 Tackle

To say that the news that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was generating a Kickstarter to create new episodes brought me joy is a gross understatement. To boot, this development led me to diving into some YouTube compilations of the notably humorous moments from a number of their best episodes, and oh my God, their takedowns of Hobgoblins ("How do you read a record?") and A Touch Of Satan are some of their best.

The entire conceit of MST3K, of course, was for its lead characters to watch movies of poor quality and provide amusing commentary on such offerings. Typically these low quality movies were from decades past, typically B-movies of the 50's and 60's. But the show was not above going after more recent fare, In fact, a 1999 episode tackled the motion picture Future War a mere two years after its release. I'm more than game for the resurrected MST3K (if that Kickstarter is successful, which, at the time of this writing, looks quite likely given that they've currently generated $1.4 million in only two days) looking back at older B-movies, but boy howdy, wouldn't it be great if they also took on some more recent examples of awful filmmaking?

Just as a fun little exercise, I've compiled five modern day (read: released in the 21st century) movies I'd love to see Crow T. Robot and Mike Servo endure and why exactly those specific features are worthy of the MST3K treatment.
Charlie And The Chocolate Factory
Of all the films in this article, this one is by far the longest shot. Ya see, I've compiled bad movies from studios who are unlikely to make further revenue on these particular motion pictures, thus the MST3K treatment wouldn't be that detrimental to any potential minimal profits they'd get form such movies (that's why Man of Steel, a film I despised, isn't on here, since Warner Bros. plans to make numerous sequels and spin-offs concerning that features characters and world). My feeble hope here is that the lack of sequels or major merchandise for Charlie And The Chocolate Factory would make it a feasible option to be showcased on MST3K because OH MY GOD I HATE THIS MOVIE SO MUCH. Pretty much the cornerstone for every cliche that the worst Tim Burton and Johnny Depp projects are drenched in, Charlie And The Chocolate Factory would make for prime fodder for these bots and whoever they end up getting as host.
Green Lantern
Considering Warner Bros. is planning on rebooting Green Lantern for their DC Extended Universe, well, what would be the harm in allowing the Satellite of Love to poke fun at this 2011 attempt at giving the Green Lantern mythos a cinematic adaptation? Hell, Ryan Reynolds is already making fun of this turkey in the far more high-profile Deadpool movie, it's not like they'd even be the first to lob complaints at this one. Packed with sloppy visuals, a terrible protagonist and a hilariously poorly put together plot, a Green Lantern episode of MST3K.
Dragonball: Evolution 
Of the five movies presented here, this is the only one I haven't seen. Perhaps I'd love it if I gave it a watch, but the overwhelmingly bad critical and audience reception has steered me clear of this infamously abysmal adaptation of an acclaimed anime TV series. Considering this almost seven year old feature is pretty much just gathering dust in gas stations across America, I doubt 20th Century Fox would have much of a problem permitting (once they pay a licensing fee of course) MST3K from tossing out over 9000 gags related to Dragonball: Evolution.
Fantastic Four
While Fantastic Four isn't the worst movie ever, or even the worst film I saw this summer, it is the kind of feature whose flaws are kind of captivating. Who thought this version of Doctor Doom would actually work? What about that "One Year Later" tag? Hell, just imagining what kind of jokes Crow T. Robot would make about the scene where Ben Grimm is pelted with rocks from another dimension makes me hope, against all odds, that 20th Century Fox would allow them to tackle this particular movie.
Now here's a movie that does not get recognized enough for its achievements as a terrible piece of cinema in my book. It's characters aren't even archetypes, they're sub-archetypes, the dialogue is terrible and there's a scene, executed in a 100% serious manner (it's even accompanied by a chorus of holy chanting), where a dude bashes in an aliens head with a cement block. It's absolutely beautiful to watch this bonkers endeavor go so far south from what any sane human being could remotely dub an "acceptable" movie. Considering that this film, unlike, say, Green Lantern or Fantastic Four, is somehow getting a Frank Grillo-led sequel (which is apparently in post-production), it may be harder to get this motion picture to be shown on MST3K, but it'd be a mighty glorious day for me if Skyline managed to get viewed by everyone's favorite wise-cracking robots.

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