Of course, that movie made an enormous amount of money, so here we are with Ted 2. Alas, MacFarlane has found himself embracing his worst tendencies before the opening credits even conclude, as Ted and a large number of dancers engage in an extended dance routine entirely free of jokes that goes on for an eternity. Compare that to the first movies opening credits sequence, which is not only laced with actual gags, but also depicts Ted and Johns shenanigans growing up together, as well as setting up Johns relationship with Lori (Mila Kunis).
The primary problem with Ted 2 is that, unlike its predecessor, it's not interested in telling a story. Instead, Ted 2 feels more content with just going off on weird tangents that are supposed to be comical, but instead come across as awkwardly unfunny. A large number of these bits (such as Liam Neeson attempting to buy Trix) come off as rejected Family Guy cutaway gags that should have stayed rejected. The least these moments could do is at least be brief, but any sense of pacing has been thrown out the ending, with the films excruciatingly overlong running time being mainly due to the fact that a large number of gags last for eons at a time.
Most of the cast members feel like they don't want to be there, mainly Mark Wahlberg, whose got one or two humorous lines, but otherwise looks like he's weirdly confused for most of the film. As one can likely guess, his lack of charisma in Ted 2 leaves his interactions with Samantha (Amanda Seyfried) lacking in the romantic spark the feature wants us to believe is genuine. Poor Seyfried, having to be saddled with numerous jokes about her having Gollum eyes (I've watched Mamma Mia! more times than any other human being on the planet, and I've never noticed her having particularly large peepers, for what it's worth) as well as film that, as a whole, wastes her talent.
And then, of course, there's that titular teddy bear, whose probably the most successful element of the film. That's not saying much, considering how anemic the rest of Ted 2 is, but at least the raunchy teddy bear gets some funny stuff to do in the story. For me personally, I got the biggest kick out of his fashion choices during the movie; most of the time, he forgoes clothes entirely, but sometimes, he'll just wear a solitary tie to meet a high-profile lawyer or even wear an entire suit when he's in court. Also, I gotta give kudos to the effects team behind Ted, who always looks like he's inhabiting our live-action world seamlessly. Plus, his design feels very authentic, I could totally see Ted actually existing as a real toy. He's like the inversion of that Annabelle doll from The Conjuring movies.
But even Ted isn't free from the scripts devotion to egregiousness, as the lovable scamp from the first movie is pretty much tossed away in the first few minutes when he and his wife Tami-Lynn (Jessica Barth) get into an abusive fight. Somehow, Ted 2 expects the audience to forget that scene entirely and tries to play up the couple in a romantic light (all Ted wants to do is be her husband you see!), but man, that early sequence just sticks in your memory and leaves a sour taste over the rest of the feature. Were the writers of this film so clueless that they thought people would really care about this couple, or were they just lazy? I'll say the latter, with a dash of the former.
Those looking for any sort of success outside of some amusing bits from the main teddy bear will be sorely disappointed. Aside from the total of 11 prominent seconds that a Hellboy cosplayer and Jeff Smiths Bone books get in a New York Comic Con scene, nothing else in the movie entertained me. It's just a totally abysmal ride devoid of laughs, one that tries to repeat the first films most notable gags (a number of gags from the first Ted get trotted out again) without ever realizing what made them work. Ted 2 is the kind of horribly made motion picture that will make you yearn for the subtlety and nuance of Family Guy.
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