Snarky explanation for that clickbait headline out of the way, let's talk about Monster Trucks, the second feature film from Paramount Animation that's been delayed nearly two whole years after its initial May 2015 release date and also serves as the live-action directorial debut for Ice Age director Chris Wedge. It's a live-action movie with a CGI creature best friend for the lead character in the vein of those Smurfs and Alvin And The Chipmunk movies, though this is more like the forgotten 2009 film G-Force in that Monster Trucks is technically an original property. And, thankfully, it's better than all of the other 21st century live-action/CGI family movies I just listed off.
In North Dakota, there is a High School Senior by the name of Tripp (Lucas Till), a man who clearly looks like he's in his late twenties but is introduced in a weird shot where he's riding on a school bus with kids that are clearly in their early teens. He's got an appetite to leave this small-town life and major daddy issues which include a major distaste for his mom's new boyfriend, Rick (Barry Pepper). One night, while tinkering away at the junkyard, he stumbles on an oil-guzzling tentacled creature he dubs Creech. The two form a quick bond and Creech reveals that he can slide into Tripp's truck (hence, the title of the film since Creech is technically a "monster") and help him get into all sorts of cool automobile mayhem.
From there, the plot dovetails into hackneyed ways of handling Tripp's daddy issues, a forgettable super Southern oil baron baddie played by Rob Lowe and extended sequences of Tripp driving his monster-enhanced truck around his small-town smashing everything in sight that are guaranteed to be any four-year-olds dream come true. The best part of this entire movie is Creech, a blobby creature whose no Baymax or Iron Giant as far as science-fiction takes on dogs in the "boy and his dog" story mold, but he's got his fair share of humorous moments stemming from his non-verbal behavior. It's nice that one of these live-action/CGI American family movies goes more endearing character traits (such as Creech seeing a dog and immediately wanting to play with it) in its big CGI-creation instead of the pervasive shouting, pop culture references or bathroom humor that you tend to find with those CGI takes on those Smurfs or Chipmunks.
Unfortunately, it takes a while for Creech to enter the movie and he vanishes for a good chunk of the running time late into the second act, leaving the audience stuck with a whose-who of boring human characters. Tripp is a sullen jerky individual devoid of much personality and the various adults in his small-town never stick around long enough to leave an impression. Amy Ryan has one scene as Tripp's mom, Danny Glover has two scenes as Tripp's boss and even Rob Lowe's bad guy (who could have been a memorably over-the-top foe in the vein of Christopher Walken's gonzo antagonist in the otherwise dreadful Country Bears movie) is a total snooze. Only Jane Levy as a fellow High School Senior who has a hardcore crush on Tripp has any sort of personality in her performance. We should get her better roles than this.
Centering so much of the screentime on these tepid humans when there's an adorable squid monster around would be a poor decision under any circumstances, but it gets really dumb when the climax arrives and forces in some resolution to Tripp's relationship with Rick, who's barely been in the movie before that. Trying to work in a way for Rick to somehow save the day is just one way the finale just becomes boring nonsensical sludge that bends over backwards to accommodate worn-out storytelling tropes like helping Tripp overcome his daddy issues, though at least these final scenes contain the unexpected sight of Tripp and Creech murdering a guy (yes, that really does happen).
While Derek Connolly's screenplay is a dud when it comes to making the majority of the human characters remotely interesting, at least the various the car chase scenes are surprisingly well-handled thanks to some strong work on the part of the second-unit team. It's all shot in a clear cohesive manner allowing for all the automobile stunts to wow the six-year-old and under crowd. That's the sort of competent filmmaking that makes Monster Trucks watchable, but the lazy human characters and rote plot keep it from being anything more than just that. Still, it's better than recent family films like Sing or Trolls, and like I said, Creech is an adorable little Kaiju, so chalk this one up as just painless kiddie fare that could have been way worse. Trust me. I've seen Hop, I know how bad these live-action/CGI kids movies can get.
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