Why I Hate The Minions

I'm sure just one glimpse at that headline is enough to make many of you conclude that I have no soul, hate joy in any form and am a remorseless monster. But my reasoning behind my hatred for these yellow creations is more complex than all that. No, it derives from how these things are such blatant ploys for marketing without contributing to the stories they feature in a notable manner. Now, I'm not naive; looking at fellow modern day animated comic sidekicks like Baymax, Toothless and Olaf, those characters are obviously adorable, in part, so they can look good on a toy shelf.

But there's at least a reason for both their physical appearances and existence within their films. Baymax serves as a way for Hiro to cope with a tragic loss, Toothless becomes the first real friend Hiccup ever has and Olaf serves as a reminder to Anna and Elsa that they once had a wonderful sisterly connection. Yes, all three creations will be plastered on T-shirts and various pieces of merchandise, but that's not the sole reason for their being, it's just a byproduct of their distinct participation in the films they star in.

The Minions on the other hand just ran rampant throughout Despicable Me 2, as well as trailers for Minions and numerous Cinemarks ads that I have to endure for numerous months (if I have to watch those damn Minions try to put up Christmas lights one more time, I'm gonna punt one of Grus lackeys). To be fair, in the first Despicable Me, their presence was in fact there just to serve the plot of Gru connecting with three girls he's adopted.

Interestingly, the weakest moments in the feature derive from shoving the focus solely on the Minions. These sequences are few and far in between (though one centering on three Minions wrecking havoc in a mall is uber aggravating), but they don't distract too heavily from the overall charm of the movie. Of course, even here, it's easy to get uneasy over their primary method of delivering gags, which namely revolves  around them screaming for an extended period of time, typically due to being at the receiving end of some sort of slapstick.

It's no shocker to me that some of the best jokes involving these Minions usually revolves around more subtle gags, such as one Minions understated reaction to being able to light up after being shaken around (like a glowstick). Unfortunately, if Despicable Me 2 is a template for how these Minions will be used in future films (and the trailers for their spin-off movie don't assuage my fears this will come to pass), those sort of jokes will be far and few in between, instead settling for load and unfunny jokes consisting solely of loud noises. Oh joy.

You want little creatures that are cute and adorable? Forget the Minions. Just get a pug puppy instead.