Perhaps I hated Pitch Perfect because I didn't watch it in the best circumstances. This is, after all, a film designed in a lab to be experienced when you're a 12-year-old girl at a sleepover or a teenager in the theater with your best friends. A 29-year-old woman watching it alone in her apartment on a Thursday night might not be the optimal experience for consuming this Anna Kendrick star vehicle.
But let's not let Pitch Perfect off the hook. I've watched tons of silly pre-2015 movies aimed at younger viewers alone in my apartment and enjoyed them. Legally Blonde. D.E.B.S. (masterpiece!!!) The Princess Diaries. Heck, I even found outlandish joys in Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle and Herbie: Fully Loaded. The problem here is an aca-awful movie, not the confines in which I watched it.
You know what separates supreme femme-centric cinema (I refuse to say the phrase "chick flick", blech) from the genre's slop? What differentiates the Legally Blonde's from the How Do You Know's? Like with musicals and horror films, it's all about conviction. You've got to commit to your outlandish premise or kooky characters. You can't chicken out on your silliest elements or suddenly transform a farce into a bunch of people delivering soliloquies about their personal arcs in the third act.
The excellent Bottoms, for instance, concludes with a delightful mixture of grisly violence and irony-free smooching. But I'm a Cheerleader commits wholeheartedly to doing its own version of "stop the wedding!" sequence (albeit at a graduation ceremony for conversion camp attendees). 2008's Mamma Mia!, meanwhile, doesn't let slower, emotional renditions of "Slipping Through My Fingers" or "When All Is Said and Done" disrupt its drunk karaoke party groove.
Director Jason Moore and screenwriter (Kay Cannon*) exhibit no such chutzpah or fun in their Pitch Perfect creative vision. For those unaware, the film concerns withdrawn college student Beca Mitchell (Anna Kendrick) at college at the insistence of her father. Mitchell doesn't want to get close to anyone, she's just interested in getting out of here and pursuing her DJ dreams. However, she soon joins the school's a cappella group, the Barden Bellas, who are trying to shake things up this year by recruiting new talent like Fat Amy (Rebel Wilson). Bellas' leader Aubrey Posen (Anna Camp) strictly sticks to tradition and old 20th-century pop tunes for their performances. Beca, though, ends up getting an urge to shake things up big time in this domain.
I hate how everyone talks in Pitch Perfect. There's no more eloquent or artistic way to put it, this film's style of dialogue irritated me to no end. Every single character exchanges the same sarcasm-drenched verbiage. It's an entire movie of people talking like Ryan Reynolds. This doesn't just ensure that the individual Pitch Perfect characters fail to sound different from one another. It also guarantees that every inch of this feature is drenched in snark. Nobody can exhibit affection for anything (music, movies, cappella performances, etc.) without following it up with a snarky "well, that happened!" retort.
At one point, upon seeing that her fellow Bellas members waited up for her after she was arrested, Becca launches into a brief monologue about how this group could something special if it got with the times. A competent movie would've let this display of vulnerability sit on its own and simmer. Instead, Becca immediately follows that display of passion by going "oh my god, that was so queerballs."The mood of the scene has been punctured and, even worse, viewers have been forced to hear the most arcane of early 2010s internet slang. Pitch Perfect is a movie constantly reassuring viewers it doesn't care about anything. With such an abrasive attitude, why should I care what happens to these singers?
Also, why does Pitch Perfect have such contempt for its characters? Bobcat Goldthwait's intentionally bleak comedies like World's Greatest Dad have more compassion for their fictional denizens than this uber-mainstream yukfest. Singer Stacie Conrad (Alexis Knapp) is around only to get mocked for being sexually active. Singer Cynthia Rose Adams (Ester Dean), meanwhile, has one trait, and it's that she's a lesbian. You can tell because she's always groping other women without their consent.
What's with all these tired slut-shaming and gay panic jokes? It's not even that they're "offensive." It's that they're so tired and lack imagination. These aren't characters worth getting invested in, they're just weird put-downs of women who don't adhere to a rigid standard of "proper" femininity (read: skinny, white, cis-het). It all results in a movie that's mean-spirited yet doesn't have the guts to go full-John Waters on its cruelty or darkness. It wants to instead be as much of a crowdpleaser as Legally Blonde or Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle. Needless to say, that doesn't work. You'd need genuine bonds between women characters and constant fun to reach those levels, not footage seemingly cribbed from a gender-bent remake of Van Wilder.
Even more insulting than all that is how dismal Pitch Perfect's visual sensibilities are. I don't think Moore and cinematographer Julio Macat ever unleashed fun or unexpected camera positions the entire film. Nor does the position of the camera accentuate various punchlines. Instead, Moore and Macat keep the camera static and opt for unimaginative shot compositions whenever possible. That's true even when people are belting out tunes on stage. Other music-centric movies and musicals use crooning as a springboard for visually lively camerawork. Not so here. Stale framing permeates intimate conversations and splashy musical performances alike. There's no vivid verve in Pitch Perfect's visuals of characters singing. Instead, it's just the laziest, choppiest camerawork imaginable.
Such slipshod imagery especially sucks all the energy out of a finale that, on paper, should've won me over without breaking a sweat. How the heck do you make me, of all people, find a musical finale focused exclusively on ladies jubilantly belting their hearts out insufferable? Center the whole sequence around a Breakfast Club homage, of course. Hinging the set piece around reminding audiences of a famous movie is such insulting laziness. While the SNL short Dear Sister uses pre-existing pop culture as a springboard for new comedic lunacy, Pitch Perfect is content to just regurgitate a famous teen movie ending. It's all good, though, because Becca earlier wryly criticized cheeseball movie endings. That makes it okay to indulge in a cliche.
In every respect imaginable, Pitch Perfect is an off-key disappointment. It functions neither as a crowd-pleaser movie about women friendship nor a dark comedy centered on hysterically despicable souls. Instead, it's a vehicle for the most exhausted jokes about queer, fat, or non-white women. Moore also fills up the screen with so many interchangeable white dudes, including a flat, personality-free lead turn from Skylar Astin. Even the soundtrack is just a menagerie of 2009-2011 pop radio staples and truly terrible renditions of those tunes at that. How do you make "Party in the U.S.A." devoid of zip? Such is the magic of Pitch Perfect, which constantly undercuts seemingly surefire recipes for cinematic joy.
I do have to give this project one major kudo, though. Pitch Perfect has finally convinced me I have the courage to watch Pier Paolo Pasolini's Salò, or the 120 Days of Sodom. I'm sure there's plenty of depraved, disturbing, and nightmare-inducing imagery in that feature. However, nothing Pasolini can conjure up will possibly be even a tenth as disturbing to witness as a Pitch Perfect sequence where Anna Kendrick sings an entire "No Diggity" verse. A wise Dan Olson put it best: "this is cringe." Beyond making me feel more prepared for eventually confronting Salò, Pitch Perfect, like Charlie Sheen jokes or "epic bacon" memes, is early 2010s culture that needs to rot in the past.
* = Between Pitch Perfect and 2021's Cinderella abomination, I'm beginning to think Cannon's delightful and surprisingly moving 2018 comedy Blockers was a fluke. Seriously, how did the writer of those two bad movies also produce something as funny as John Cena not knowing how quotation marks work?