Showing posts with label Christmas. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Christmas. Show all posts

Friday, December 1, 2017

Deck The Halls With Anything But A Bulldog For Christmas

Bulldogs, like any dog in existence, are adorable. Just look at this little guy on a skateboard:
Or this bulldog who is just so happy about his costume!
See what I mean? These are precious puppers! So you'd think a movie called A Bulldog For Christmas would be a guaranteed success, the biggest can't miss proposition for a movie in history. But A Bulldog For Christmas misses the mark simply by ignoring the bulldog of its title for long stretches of its runtime! Yes, the movie A Bulldog For Christmas shunts its titular canine off to the sidelines for the majority of its plot even though the only reason any human being would watch this movie would be to watch the bulldog shenanigans. It's like if someone made a Star Trek movie and filled the runtime with a boring cooking video instead!

The premise of A Bulldog For Christmas is the same kind of plot we've seen tons of times before in that magical subgenre that revolves around a heavily flawed human being turning into a household pet to learn a lesson about better appreciating their family and life itself (The Shaggy Dog and Nine Lives are famous examples of this subgenre). Here, the person getting turned into a bulldog is college student Sally Kroger (Marylee Osborne) and you can tell she's a troubled soul because she returns home from college covered in piercing and attire that some old out of touch studio executive from 2005 thinks all the cool Goth kids are wearing these days.

Sally wants nothing to do with her families tradition of going to their deceased grandfather's winter home and celebrating Christmas and thus, she is visited by some kind of magical entity known as Chips (Henrique Couto, who also directs this project) who proceeds to turn her into a bulldog so she can learn a valuable lesson about appreciating her family and the spirit of the holidays. Wicked Uncle Randall (Vincent Holiday) shows up soon after Sally has turned into a dog proclaiming he wants to sell the grandfather's house for large sums of money because the prospect of suddenly turning into a dog wasn't enough conflict for this movie.

The absolute strangest part of A Bulldog For Christmas is how little of it actually concerns the titular bulldog. There are two brief segments of the movie that run about a minute each that are solely devoted to footage of the titular bulldog running around in a backyard that are easily the highlight of the whole feature, it's just so much fun to watch this doggo run around and being happy. Aside from those momentary distractions though, A Bulldog For Christmas shuns its lead canine to the sidelines, typically just going back to it so that Marylee Osborne can deliver wry voice-over quips, including one that leads into a confusingly executed fart joke.

When we're not watching medium shots of a bulldog accompanied by banal voiceover work, A Bulldog For Christmas concerns itself with treating the struggles of its various family members as serious as possible. Way too much screentime is handed over to characters delivering somber monologues reflecting their inner emotions while neither the performances nor the writing of these extended dialogue pieces are anywhere near good enough to warrant so much screentime being devoted to them. There's one scene in particular where Peggy Kroger (Erin R. Ryan) wistfully monologues about her woes for what seems like an eternity while her boyfriend tries to propose to her that becomes more and more like nails on a chalkboard as it goes on.

The character-based drama takes up so much of the story of A Bulldog For Christmas that long stretches of screentime without a single appearance by a bulldog. And when that bulldog does show up, it's usually so more tedious voiceover one-liners can rear their head or, in one instance, it's so that the mom of the Kroger family can claim that all bulldogs are "ugly". Bulldogs aren't ugly! What is ugly is the weird green-screen that shows up throughout the film, though at least such distracting backgrounds are bound to capture your attention, unlike the monotonous dialogue.  Ugh, A Bulldog For Christmas is so boring and lacking in bulldog shenanigans, you're better off just watching gifs of bulldogs like the one below:


Thursday, December 22, 2016

Office Christmas Party Is A Big Waste In Every Respect

Simply by the virtue of having so many strong comedic actors in one place at one time, you'd think Office Christmas Party would have to at least be mildly amusing right? You've got some strong Saturday Night Live cast members (Kate McKinnon and the underrated Vanessa Bayer), up-and-coming actors (Jamie Chung, Sam Richardson and Karan Soni) and some established veterans of the comedy world (Jason Bateman and T.J. Miller) all trying to pull off a raunchy Yuletide-themed party. Shouldn't that be enough to generate an at least agreeable comedy?

Monday, December 12, 2016

Surviving Christmas Will Make You Lose Faith In Christmas, Comedy And Humanity

OK, so, the 2000 live-action Grinch movie is still awful awful awful, but holy hell, the only real compliment I can now pay it is that at least it isn't Surviving Christmas, which may indeed by the nadir standard for all of Christmas cinema to come. To watch this 2004 Mike Mitchell movie is to gaze into a deranged human beings interpretation of what dark comedy is as well as an unhinged conception of what constitutes an entertaining protagonist. God only knows what lured Ben Affleck and James Gandolfini into this trash but Jesus Christ, I hope they got a big paycheck. That's more than I got out of this torturous movie.

Saturday, December 10, 2016

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation Is Agreeable Christmastime Fare

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It's interesting, with the benefit of hindsight, to see what stuff sticks around in pop culture. On paper, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation looks like the sort of easy cash-grab that'd be as quickly forgotten as it came, an obvious attempt to milk the National Lampoon's Vacation brand a third time after the first movies in this series had done so well. Instead, what they ended up with was a movie that made tidy chunk of change at the box office and ended up becoming not only the most famous entry in the series by a country mile but also one of the more noteworthy Christmas movies of the last three decades.

Wednesday, December 7, 2016

Scrooged Gives Charles Dickens A Bill Murray Twist

Why do storytellers love A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens so much to the point that it's appeared in countless pieces of media for over a century now? Well, it being in the public domain certainly doesn't hurt, but the narrative allows one to easily plug in characters into the well-known roles of the multiple ghosts, Scrooge, Bob Cratchit, Tiny Tim, etc. Plus, the lead character, Ebenezer Scrooge, stands out amongst other Christmas tales in that he's crotchety and cruel, though his unique (among Christmas-related tales) personality does get resolved just in time for an emotionally fulfilling climax. It's basically a "have your cake and eat it too" scenario with Scrooge on a thematic level.

Friday, December 25, 2015

Merry Christmas And Happy Holidays!!!!

Today for many is Christmas Day, and though other holidays for this time of the year (i.e. Hanukkah, Kwanza, Life Day) occur at different places in the holiday season, this seems like the perfect opportunity to briefly say happy holidays to you and your loved ones. Spend this day with your friends, your family, and hey, a movie or two couldn't hurt, right? While I hate to contradict someone as cool as Buddy The Elf, I do think the absolute best way to spread Christmas cheer isn't just through singing loud for all to hear (though that doesn't hurt any) but to also spread kindness to those around you. May such kindness greet you and and all of those you care about.

And in the immortal words of Tiny Tim/Robin The Frog...god bless us everyone!

Thursday, December 25, 2014

A Charlie Brown Christmas Is The Epitome Of Both Storytelling And Christmas

Peanuts is a fundamental part of my life, to put it lightly. Charlie Brown was the first fictional character I encountered who understood and expressed melancholy emotions, someone who assured me I wasn't alone in feeling like an outsider. He stills remains a terrific and relatable character, and each year I eagerly await watching A Charlie Brown Christmas, a special that never fails to compel me.

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

My Most Terrifying Cinematic Experience? Why, The Polar Express Of Course!

Here's another exciting entry in this Holiday themed column, 25 Days Of Christmas Pop Culture! From now until Christmas Eve, I'll be tackling one piece of Christmas pop culture! It could be a book, movie, TV special, song....so long as it's festive for this time of the year, it'll be checked out in this daily column!
We all have that one movie we watched as kids that terrified the living hell out of us. When you're 6, it's terrifying, but when you're older it's not only good material for a compelling yarn but a testament to the kind of power film can have over a person. Some have The Goonies, my brother has Gremlins, but me? I've got the scariest movie of them all: The Polar Express.

Friday, December 12, 2014

Which Grinch Is Best? (The Answer Is Obvious)

Here's another exciting entry in this Holiday themed column, 25 Days Of Christmas Pop Culture! From now until Christmas Eve, I'll be tackling one piece of Christmas pop culture! It could be a book, movie, TV special, song....so long as it's festive for this time of the year, it'll be checked out in this daily column!
I've gotten really addicted to Patton Oswalts standup this week, the dudes just hilarious in his comedy. One great bit is where he talks about how a primary flaw with the Star Wars prequels is that they feel compelled to talk about the origins of beloved characters like Boba Fett and Darth Vader, which Oswalt likens to someone give you the starting ingredients for Ice Cream and saying it's just delicious as that confection.

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Spongebobs Optimistic Absurdity Matches Beautifully With Christmas

Here's another exciting entry in this Holiday themed column, 25 Days Of Christmas Pop Culture! From now until Christmas Eve, I'll be tackling one piece of Christmas pop culture! It could be a book, movie, TV special, song....so long as it's festive for this time of the year, it'll be checked out in this daily column!
Here's a shocking secret; Spongebob is a perky person. The absorbent fella is rarely without a smile on his face and something upbeat to say. In the first three seasons of his show, Spongebob Squarepants, Spongebob was an irresistible lead that was always fun to watch and enjoy. In the second season episode, Christmas Who?, what really made SpongeBob such a captivating program is on full display.

Sunday, December 7, 2014

The Epic Saga Of Last Christmas

Here's another exciting entry in this Holiday themed column, 25 Days Of Christmas Pop Culture! From now until Christmas Eve, I'll be tackling one piece of Christmas pop culture! It could be a book, movie, TV special, song....so long as it's festive for this time of the year, it'll be checked out in this daily column!
I have many traditions during the holiday season, but perhaps my favorite is one between me and my Mother. We always like to count how many times we hear one particular Christmas song on the radio. Now, it's common, even expected, for Christmas tunes to be repeated on the radio, at truth be told, that's mostly fine. The exception to that rule is Last Christmas, a song played so many times over the course of Christmas time that me and my Mother conjured up the tradition of counting how many times we hear it each year in order to avoid insanity.

Thursday, December 4, 2014

Text Me Christmas Embraces Modern Technology In A Timeless Manner

Welcome to 25 Days Of Christmas Pop Culture! From now until Christmas Eve, I'll be tackling one piece of Christmas pop culture! It could be a book, movie, TV special, song....so long as it's festive for this time of the year, it'll be checked out in this daily column!
There's a recurring tendency to put seeming hip above quality in any form of media that deals with modern technology. The title alone of Text Me Christmas should make one wretch, longing for the days when Bing Crosby crooned Yuletide tunes. However, this song manages to subvert one's expectations of a song that leans so heavily on 2014 technology to create a surprisingly sweet song.

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

The Toy Story Gangs First Christmas Special Has Its Problem, But Remains Entertaining

Welcome to 25 Days Of Christmas Pop Culture! From now until Christmas Eve, I'll be tackling one piece of Christmas pop culture! It could be a book, movie, TV special, song....so long as it's festive for this time of the year, it'll be checked out in this daily column!
With Toy Story 4 on the inevitable horizon, PIXAR has utilized the form of the holiday special to guarantee the world of Woody and Buzz remains an active one storytelling wise. The first, Toy Story Of Terror!, was a surprisingly enjoyable effort, and though Toy Story That Time Forgot doesn't quite match that ones quality, it still remains an entertaining enough half hour of television.